When I was 13 Unbreak my Heart by Toni Braxton was released. I knew the song forward and backwards, belting out the song in my bedroom. Little did I know the true meaning behind the song until I went through a period of heartbreak!
My fave line in the song is take back the sad word goodbye, bring back the joy in my life, don’t leave me here with these tears. I realized how much I wanted those words to be true in my life lately. I didn’t want to feel the pain in my heart. I wanted to smile, I wanted to laugh. I wanted to stop crying. I wanted to stop wishing him back in my life.
Finally I was in a moment where I could either run to God or run away from God. I chose to run to God, but my running to God was to ask God to bring him back because I couldn’t stand this pain in my heart anymore. How much more will I have to bear, was my often cry to God. God in his great wisdom didn’t bring him back but he started to show me where the pain was lying in my heart, and what I was actually doing with the pain.
A wise woman said to me that we usually ask God to cover the pain with something else instead of asking God to fill the pain with more of him. It was right there in that moment that I realized that I was asking God to cover my pain with another relationship, or bring back the person. Already I was covering my pain with being a work alcoholic. I was covering my pain by being so spiritual with others. I was covering my pain with everything else but God. God did not want me to cover my pain with anything else but Him.
It was hard because I was so sick all the time. It was hard because I didn’t believe that God could take away the stabbing pain in my heart. It was hard because the pain was the only thing left I could feel. Slowly as I bowed my knees I asked God to cover my pain with more of him, the achiness stopped. The sharp pain in my heart stopped I just felt peace. I did at that moment anyway, but every time I started to ache, every time I felt the tears come into my eyes I whispered please cover me, and instantly I was feeling better.
I wish I can say that writing this out that I’m feeling 100% healed. I wish I could say that I have this all figured out, the truth of the matter is that I’m not. I’m in a process of being healed. I’m in a process of letting go. I’m in a process of forgiving. It’s a long road that I don’t know how long I will be on but I know one thing I’m not alone. Jeremiah wrote this in Laminations 3:19-20; The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.
I think I will never forget this awful time (can’t I’ve wrote too much in my journal). But I can rejoice when I think on this from Lamination 3:21-22; Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. That’s where I’m finding my hope and my healing.
The guy can’t come back and unbreak my heart. My heart won’t become unbroken by this. Instead my heart will become whole and healed under the Mighty Hand of God.