Archive | January 2013

What God is doing

John 10:10 a The Thief comes to steal and destroy
I have heard this scripture many times and in my arrogance I never thought that this would apply. In truth it did. The devil tried to destroy me by trying to take my confidence in one area in my life. He did it very slowly to the point I didn’t realize that it was happening.
It started with a relative when I was young around age 5 who use to say in my real skinny days, oh you are anorexic, then I started to get big (trying to control one thing in my life), then it was you too fat, you will die young. Finally I hit teenage years and it was you are too big you will never find a husband until you lose weight who would want a fat wife, sadly it still continues to this day.
Since the devil is a thief he knew that was just a snippet, so he created a nice relationship with a guy, who made me feel the only way a guy would want me if I slept with him. Oh yea and the Victoria magazines was such a big help too. I knew the guy was a jerk and left him but another piece of my confidence was taken. Next I had a guy friend, I really liked him but two things he wasn’t a Christian and he did lead me into my Goth period. Second he went after another girl, and boy did our class talk and tried to set up fights between me and the girl. Sadly my guy friend died from thyroid cancer and never knew Jesus.
Do you see the pattern yet? If you don’t you are about too.
My next boyfriend oh boy is what I can say. We stayed together for almost two years off and on. Here was the problem he was a cheater, and here is the kick he cheated on his if he is still married wife with me and I didn’t even know it until about 5 months later! The things I did, and the things I went through hurt me deeply to the point I asked can a guy really love me?
The devil really had stolen my confidence very good because when I enter college no confidence about men whatsoever, it looked like he succeeded. He wasn’t through.
Around the time I was dealing with my second boyfriend my father came into my life. I have to admit I wanted to know my father but I was brat to him, and he wasn’t a good father at the time. After a string of broken promises, I experience the ultimate rejection in a letter to me he said he never wanted to see me again. I was devastated, I wondered what did I do, and the thought came if my dad doesn’t want me then how can a guy want me. I was destroyed.

John 10:10b I came that they may have life and have it abundantly
Around my junior year of college I rededicated my life to Christ. God started a work in me. I started to serve him and I enjoyed it. Skip forward to 2012 God started to repair me and I didn’t know he was doing it.
A wise man said to me working with youth can expose many things, and he was right. As the high school students were getting ready to go to Costa Rica, I was doing a lot of negative self-talking. The kicker I didn’t realize it, I was working with men for the first time in years and my deep feelings was exposed. When I met with the youth leader he pointed it out. I was saying things like I am forgotten (my father), I am invisible (my guy friend and a couple of other guys), I am unnoticeable (my relative, and both boyfriends). He saw I needed help, I saw I didn’t but God really almost to the point that I felt he was ramming down my throat, that I sought help.
Every time I go to my help I started to feel better about myself, and then our women retreat I let go more baggage. I even heard my mom story about how she never wanted to get married but wanted children, and yes I have felt the same way too growing up, it’s been in the last year that I really do want a Godly husband.
God was bringing me back to life fully and completely.
Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do more abundantly than what we could ever hope for or imagine.
I kept hearing this scripture plenty of times in this last month (December). God wanted to do more that I could hope for or imagine. He started not what I thought he would but with my father. My father after 11 years wanted to see me again, and to say I was in shock was understatement. I was wondering why he wanted to see me after all these years it was unbelievable. After having a Godly man pray with me, and a very good guy friend listen to me and asked me the one question I wished everyone asked me, do I want to see my father? I said yes I would see him, scary step I know. Next thing I know my brother on my dad side found me and contacted me. I think if he read this now he knows how much our talk help me see our father in a new light, and looking forward to my father visit, and getting to know my brothers. I finally found out that this whole thing between my father and I  that it wasn’t me after all.

As well I started to like a guy which we are just friends sadly but it’s still good (I am very thankful for his friendship), with his way in a brother in Christ love, I started to feel wanted by man again. Through him I saw myself in a different light, I saw myself wanted as I am and I didn’t have to change too much (emotionally yes, physically I can lose a few, beautifully natural is what I can say). Another guy friend helped with this too but not as much as this other friend. God is restoring me here.

Sing to the Lord a new song
I was beaten, I was broken, I had no life, I was rejected, unnoticeable, forgotten, destroyed, and this was my old song.
Here is my new song. When Jesus came back into my life, he is restoring me, heal me, to do a work in me, to do more than I could never hope for or imagine. It is a process and it is good.
Now as I wait for a new stage in my life, God is with me, God is for me, He is my confidence, He is my hope, and He is promise keeper. He is doing more than I could ever hope for or imagine.