I have a confession. I have insecurity. Okay so I’m a woman that’s to be sadly expected, but I have been crippled with it. Praise the Lord that He is working on it with me. Last night, as I was getting ready to leave to hang out with friends for the evening, I clicked on this webcast. This man Steve Furtick was talking, he was talking about getting back what was lost, i.e. if you haven’t spent time with God, why where did you lose it. At that I fell to my knees because a lot of my insecurities come with men, especially believing that a guy can find me desirable and chosen to be his wife. God been dealing with me in trusting that yes this is the path of marriage I have you on and it will happen, I will be married in His timing. I had always believed that it steamed from my own earthy father’s rejection of me, which was not it, that’s a part of it. God took me back to my first boyfriend, where he coerced me into trying to have sex with him, by showing me pictures of sexy women mainly from the Victoria Secret catalog. I am a curveous woman I am not skinny at all, but here was where my confidence was starting to strip at lot because what you don’t want me unless I look like that or that because I don’t looked at that you are the only one who want me so sex is the way to prove, or something along both of those lines. There is where the desirability confidence was strip, then I had a friend some years ago, who I thought we would be perfect for each other. He pretty much had everything I was looking for in a future husband, but he started to date a girl, and then got engaged to her and is now married with a son. I remember thinking God wasn’t he the one, he was so perfect, mind you I wasn’t listening to God, but in my mind, in the lies from Satan, all I thought of was he didn’t want me because how I looked.
As God was showing me this yesterday as I’m on my knees, I was asking forgiveness for believing in those lies. For taking them into my heart and letting those roots stay for many years. As I was praying the webcast was suddenly off, and it was quite, God led me to Isaiah 43:18-19 where He pretty much says forget the past; I’m doing a new thing. Of course I go God you are really speaking to me? Then I looked up and there is my Experiencing God book by Richard & Henry Blackaby, I go to the unit of where God Speaks. Through the examples of how God reveals Himself, how He does tell us the plans to do in His time and whereas people believe He doesn’t tell you His plans (by the way He does), finally how He uses His word and people. I closed the book, I was praying because God been doing something wonderful, but I think I’m crazy and yes it surrounds a particular guy I know. I asked God if this is real, reveal it in His word and a person tell me yes it is.
I go to the volleyball and bible study last night. I get a verse in Daniel 2 where it said God revealed the mystery that night, after Daniel’s friends prayed that God will reveal the dream interpretation that night for the king. It struck me, they prayed, and God revealed what was asked. I was okay God I am just so in love with you right now and I think you are so hot, thank you for confirming that you will reveal.
As I was riding home with another guy friend who I’ve always had a crush off and on, he was telling me about this girl he is dating. I am very happy for him, and God crossed him off my list, as I was speaking about another guy friend that people thought we should date. I have to admit I had thought about it as well, but there is just something missing. I’ve told people he just does not have the heart of ministry that I want in a future husband, because I’m pretty involved and I would love to ministry full time but content doing it part time. Anyways as I’m telling my guy friend this, he said you need someone who is already in ministry right now, and if you go for this other guy then you would be settling. He proceeded to talk about how people settle because it’s close to what they want but not fully. I admit this other friend I can’t see going on mission’s trip with him, or see him give up a Saturday to work for others in need or help a person in crisis. There again God spoke, and it was clear that no, this friend I kind of wanted to dated is not the one. Finally as I dreamed last night a wonderful dream from God, me and this particular guy are walking, and we are walking so closely that we are touching, and at the same time our hands intertwined with each other, and we continue to walk. Then again I a bit later, I saw our hands again they are intertwined but this time a ring is on my finger. I looked up and saw who he is. This morning immediately as I woke up He gave me Genesis 2:20-25. Wow a God given dream!
Yesterday, and last night God spoke to me in different ways. He spoke through his church, his word, his people, and yes a prophetic dream. He met my insecurity in this area head on, showed where the seeds were planted, how He is healing/correcting me, and what He has in store for me in His timing.
I pray that my story will help you in where ever you are. Realize that God speaks, we just need to listen, He never lets us choose our own plans for very long because He will correct them, He will show you the next steps in times, just take that first step today, and listen.